Sarah Carroll

I have a new journal name, it be 'perfectlyweird' haha. i thought it fit. ANyway. Later.

First off - DIE David [Kaweness lol] and Gigi! [Val] EVUL! lmao! And Gig' you KNOW you love me. ;) you just dont know WHAT I told Kaweness. >D Bwahhaha. Jk jk! Lol! I love you guys. :)

ANYWAY. Har.. I haven't wrote anything in awhile have I... well. A lot has happened I guess... I've been going through a pretty hard time concerning Trey but I'm not going to talk about it here cause its not right. And I never really pray to God... but I'm hopeing he hears me now when I say I want him to watch over and protect Trey especially and let him know he is loved truely and that I worry about him very much, not just me but his friends as well.. and for everything to please get fixed... because if anything ever happened to him... I really dont know what I'd do..

Welp.. i went to the Yellowcard concert Friday. THAT was awesome. :P SummerGail couldn't go so that was a let down :\ I really wanted her to go cause we haven't really hung out very much lately... but it was pretty neat. Jason prooved to himself that he wasn't a bad kisser ;) hahaha *I TOLD HIM HE WASN'T But NOoooo Dont listen to Sarah! lol* And OMG Drake pissed in a bottle and flung it out into the crowed. It was hilarious. And there was this one band called Blackalicious. Oh.. my... god. It was HORRIBLE. I wanted to shoot them all lol!

Then today me and Sarah and Katie B. went down to the beach and chilled for awhile, jumped in the pizool. Then I went home when Sarah went to her lil nephews birthday party. Then Jason came and got me and we went to get Devin and made this weird Energy Drink containing Upside down 7-Up, Mt. Dew, Amp, and Red Bull lol. Jason was bouncing off the walls i swear. Then we went to his band thing that they were having, couldn't get inside for like two or three hours cause we needed an adult and then we had to leave at 9. So he came back to my house and me and him and Sarah went and got candy. I stole something... he calls me a clepto haha. or. however you spell it. and he prooved once more that he wasn't a bad kisser.... lmao. Shoot me. ANYWAY. All in all in All. I had a Great Wonderful Fantastic I wish It Happened everyday Day. :D and Me and Sarah are goin to the beach AGAIN tomorrow. - and Katie S. was suposed to spend the night AGAIN. GAH. One day that girl IS going to stay lol! BED. Later.

[[ SarahAnne ]]

"There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." ---Louis L'Amour

Have you ever wanted to dissapere.

I've convenced myself over a long period of time that this world, or at least this small town, would be extremly better off without me. Sometimes.. i just wana leave, change my name, and start over. Completely new. Maybe my trail of bad luck wouldn't follow me. I seriously think that I'm not supposed to be with anyone. I know that people are having worse times then me, that everyone thinks these things. But ya know what.. I'm only fourteen and I do not want to deal with this right now. Sure I cant hide behind my age forever and I need to grow up, but, right now I don't want to and I just dont fucking feel like it.

Alright. Yesterday. Lets see. Me and Trey made up... yeah. I'm pretty sure we made up lol. But still.. things were kinda weird. So I went downtown to meet SummerGail when Trey went to work, also downtown, and then Erik and Jason came down. I was so freakin hyper, lol. But still. I felt so bad... I was trying not to hang all over Jason or flirt with him or do anything of that nature because one, Trey was somewhere right down the road, and two, I wish he wouldn't like me... Jason deserves better then me and I really do not want to hurt him no mater how 'fine' he says he will be... and then I got home and things were just weird. Trey IMed me online and I blew up and told him like things i probably  shouldn't have about me and Jason. He actually didn't get mad. He told me he'd be there for me... he tried to get me to just leave and meet him at the four way stop and told me I could stay at his house and he'd make me pancakes in the morning. I was really tempted but I told him I couldn't.

Then today he woke me up at 9 something and came and picked me up and we went surfing at his grandmothers house. I got hit in the FACE with the SURF BOARD. lol. It'd happened before but man the side of my head reall hurts lol. like right by my eye. Anyway. It was all good, I was kinda tired but still. We chilled there until his mom came and got us. He would like tickle me - yeah he found a ticklish spot unfourtunately - and then he kissed me and I just kinda sat there. I dunno. I just sat there. Then we fought over the sofa's haha. I lost. But oh well lol. Then outta nowhere he just got up and like stormed off onto the back pourch. It was really weird, and I went outside to talk to him but he didn't say anything. Anyway. He came back in and then his mom got there and we went to drop him off at home, he didn't even say bye. I felt like something was up but I didn't press anything. After that his mom dropped me off at the Peir and I hung out with SummerGail for awhile. Her Nate and Stevo and Chris and Eric Sabato. It was awesome.

I tried to get Nate to go on a 'Rescue Mission' and go save Jason from being alone at his house but he wouldn't go after he found out Summer couldn't ride in the car with him. Gr. lol. Its all good though.

Ya know. I think I can fix whats happening. I just wont date anybody. Just keep it at friends with both Trey and Jason. I know people wont be happy but no one would have to be pissed at the other because they 'won' or whatever. And no one would have to worry about it anymore. I really.. i dunno. I just need a break. A reallly long break from like.. everything. I wana go to Australia.

I think i'm gunna hang out with Jon and Katie and them tonight at some beach resturaunt/beach thing. Hahahah. STUFF TO DO! Excellent. lol. Well. I gotta pee so. later.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

Sometimes love will pick you up by the short hairs...and jerk the heck out of you.

Denise Dobbs, Northern Exposure, Survival of the Species, 1993

I really hate what I do... honestly. I think a lot more people would be better off without me. I just confuse stuff.. Or at least two people would be better off without me. Alright. I just got back from Erik's fire thing... or.. i got back like.... 30 minutes ago. Anyway. The fire thing.. lets see.

I talked to Trey... he just kinda stood there.. we kept changing the subject but i told him I still really liked him. I told him how I had that dream about seeing him kiss mandy and then OH LOOK Who FUCKING SHOWS UP. Mandy. I just wanted to throw her in the fire. And Coral was there to. Gee. All of Trey's little... friends. Anyway. He said he didn't wana go back out right now (and being who I am, wanted to scream - WHY because of all your little hoes. Havin way to much fun aintcha??) that he wanted to take it slow.. and yeah I agree. So.. I'm supposed to go over his house this weekend. I guess his week is booked. I dunno why I do that.. i fear the worst.. i feel like I'm just another girl on his calender... i just. I like him so much but I feel like so many things are different and I mean I know they are.. but still. I wish i could take everything i said back and fix it... i had to be stupid and throw everything away..

And then. There is Jason. I feel like the biggest bitch alive... i hate putting him through this.. and mean. my dad loves him. MY dad loves him. He's perfect. I swear to god lol.  I mean.. he's cute, he's sweet, he's always there when I need him, he's easy to talk to, he's really understanding, he's a great guy. Everything is just RIGHT about him. He's everything i've always wanted. Seriously, I asked for someone and everything I asked for, Jason has. Tonight he was supposed to avoid me, and I mean.. i know why and I kinda screwed it up but still... we were fine. We were wrestling in the sand haha. I won. Oh yeah you know I won ;) lol. but still... i didn't want anything more then that to happen because Trey was there.. or.. he showed up again while we were 'fighting'. It felt weird.. i dunno. I like how Jason likes me.. i just dont want to hurt him because I still care so much for Trey and I want to try and fix things between me and him... damnit I dunno what to do.. and I'm tired.. so I'm goin to bed.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

I want to get tanner but I really just dont feel like going to the Beach Today. I mean. I'm tan i just wana be tanner. But who cares... um. I'm having one of my mood swings again. I was perfectly happy until I had to think. Yup. Thinking always pisses me off because it throws everything thats fucking screwed up out into the open and makes me stare at it. Ok. I have a question, I really do. Why the HELL does everyone like me? I mean honestly. What is so fucking great about me? I am NOT the great person everyone picks me out to be. I have my faults just like everyone else, and trust me, there are many. I just... i dunno. I cant express my feelings. We've been through this. I hide them all and keep them bottled up inside, covering over everything with my 'humourous' sarcasim and shit until one thing makes me break loose and then all hell is free. I dunno.. it just really irritates me when someone is all - Oh your so Awesome. Your GREAT. Your so perfect, god I wish I was you. - I mean. Yeah its flattering but stop it. I'm a good friend, I'm a good person to talk to but I honestly dont see whats so flippin awesome about me.

Anyway. I'd like to say one thing real quick. KRISS!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! lol! Kristy Lynn is a very cool person to talk to. ANd thankyou SO incredible much for helping me through a lot of stuff. We seriously need to hang out! I hope you can come tonight, call the cell if you can and I'll meet ya somewhere lol. And thanks SO much once more babe. Your a trip and hilarious to talk to yo. :D :D My kinda friend. ;) lol.

Ok. What next in this little life I'd like to dub hell. Hm. Well. Since all my post seem to revolve around my fucked up love life some how I'll say something about that. I just really wana ditch guys for awhile (No not become gay lol) I dunno. Its all so fucking confusing right now. I mean.. I really like Jason, he's a great guy, easy to talk to and he's always there when I need him. But I can't 'date him', or be involved with him says the father. Which doesn't help. I can't hang out with him without two or more other people around. The only thing I can really do with him is go to prom. And then Trey.. I'm not going to lie. I miss him so much its not even funny. I mean.. i love him and I'm sure of it now but I screwed up and there's nothing I can do about it now. They're both gunna be at Erik's fire thing tonight at Scott Road. I feel like its some weird stand off, or some kind of challenge thats gunna happen at this thing. I really want to talk to Trey.. i mean.. I heard him and Nicole Lopez are hooking up... woopedy fucking doo. I cant really say anything because he's not mine anymore but it still hits a nerve and pisses the hell out of me. And I cant drink. I mean I could, I'm home alone and its there. but I promised i wouldn't. So I'm not.

I just really dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt anyone. But I know someone out of all of this is going to be hurt. Who. I'm not sure.. i fear the worse buts I guess that doesn't help much. This entry makes no since whatsoever I know but.. i just had to get this all out I guess. I'm probably just screwing everything up even MORE but hell. Why not. Its already messed up why not throw in a few more kinks.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away...

Alright. Lets see... what's happened in the past few days? Well. Jason and Erik came over to go see 'Secret Window'. That was an interesting expirence. Actually my father behaved himself quite well. But he coulda been better. He had some remarks in there I think only family caught. Anyway, after that whole deal my mom took us to the movies. The movie was alright, it coulda been way better and i was somewhat dissapointed, but hell, its Johnny Depp, who cares if the movie sucked HE looked good haha.

Umm... oh yeah. Erik kept trying to get Jason to kiss me. I mean. I don't care if he doesn't kiss me. Its not something I HAVE to have like most girls on this island. I'm not really the kissy type person anyway. Well... i wasn't really the clingy/snuggly type person either until now. so. I dunno. But yeah, I find kissing (making out) rather disgusting sometimes anyway, so its not a big thing lol. Its all good. And if he doesn't want to then im not gunna push him lol. I just wish Erik would shut up sometimes, but he really is a great person to talk to.. dunno. he just is believe it or not.

The next day I went CAMPING. Omg. Yes. Camping. lol. Summer's mom picked me up early, I mean EARLY in the morning and we left around like 10. I got to ride in an RV. it was awesome. i listened to my dang CD player the entire way there lol. Yellowcard all the way baby. It was HILARIOUS. We got there and me and SummerGail were all excited.. until our phones had no service what so ever. And THEN the complaining started - We're cut off from Civilization! - its HORRIBLE - oh My GOD! There's NOTHING TO DO - I'm so BORED - and we were like stalking the phones for whatever little tiny bit of service they got haha. And OMG they had STUFFED BEAVERS! lol!

We had to take the three little brat kids down the river. We saw ALIGATORS. hahah. And Turtles. And SummerGail started freaking out cause she was getting attacked by some mysterious River Creature. It was a FISH. She was like - NO it wasn't! It was scalely and long and had FINS. I was like... exactly. It was a FISH lol. But it was great hangin out with her, She's a trip. :P And that night I had a dream that Trey kissed someone else right infront of me and I woke up crying. I dunno what it means.. but it sucked majorly... and DUDE. All those little children talked about where my BOOBS. I mean honestly. They aren't that Big. GRr. IT was really Annoying in a funny type way lol. but Still. Gr. I felt violated. lol.

I was talkin to Jason on the phone when we got service back on the way home and he told me he missed me. It made my day. :) I really like talkin to him lol.

I'm goin to this Fire thing Erik is havin tomorrow for like his birthday kinda... its gunna be weird.. Trey and Jason are both gunna be there. I think I'm just gunna like.. wander around and just... wander.. lol. And try talking to Trey an stuff... But it should be fun..... i like fire.... hahahahaha. ;)

Anyway.. we'll see what all happens yes? One good thing out of all this.. I'm TAN! AHAHA. Happy Day. :D

[[ SarahAnne ]]

And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a wave..

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Well... I suppose a lot has happened since my last post... hm. I broke up with Jason. He didn't do anything wrong, I just - I really cant handle a boyfriend right now. That and I still have strong feelings for Trey and I didn't think it was fair to be dateing Jason and then be thinking about Trey all the time.. well lets see. Last friday I went to Skateworld for a lock in thing with SummerGail's church. Woo. That was crazy. I'd never been Ice Skateing before, it was AWESOME lol. Dude, i'm so tired right now its un believeable. I haven't gotten like any sleep at all in the past few days. With the lock in, I didn't even lay down to attempt sleeping tell like 3 or 4, and then everyone was running around like wild people lol. Then yesterday. Good lord, yesterday I was in a house full of drunk people. Stuart spent the night to. I didn't go to bed until like 3 or 4 in the morning and woke up at 7. Gr. I need sleep lol.

Then today I went to the Car Show at the Ritz with Jason and Erik. They got a few free passes, it was awesome. :) Jason says he's  a bad kisser. He isn't, he just doesn't have a lot of experience like half the island lol. I haven't like... 'made out' with him yet so I would really know about that. Anyway. It was pretty good walking around the Ritz with him and Erik and falling asleep in the really really comfy chairs with him.

Then I got home and Trey called me from New Symrna, he said he was just callin to see how I was doing. God it felt good to hear his voice.. then Erik and Jason called later seein if I could go to a nine'o'clock movie. Parentals said no and I just freaked out. No Idea why but I did. Hm.. and then Leslie, my sister, told me my parents weren't even going to let me GO to prom but she talked them into it. Grr. Stupid parents. And THEN my dad sat me down and goes. Jason is to old for you, you are to young to be getting involved with him. So DONT. - To bad I already have.

Tomorrow Beni might come over and then later that night me and Jason are going to see 'Secret Window' haha. And then Tuesday I'm going Camping with SummerGail and her family. How exciting. ;) and then all my free days. BEACH BABY! haha. Later.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

P.s. - I've actually been having a lot better days lately. :D YAY.

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop lovin someone when your heart still does..."



So. People actually read this thing?? Lol. Thats what Kat' told me in 5th period. haha. Anyway. On to the stuff I have come to write about...

Alright. The last time I wrote in this thing was Sunday. A bit has happened since then I guess.

1) Jason asked me to prom.
2) Jason and I are going out.
3) Trey told me he still loved me.

I dunno.. I still have feelings for Trey - No - I still Love Trey, and I always will. I thought I'd wait on going out with Jason until my feelings for Trey dissapered, But I know now that they never will. I'll never stop Loving Trey. Ever. I know the feeling may be buried down underneith all the other emotions I'm dealing with, but I also know that every time I see him Smile, the smile where he gets the little wrinkles beside his eyes (even just a regular smile), and every time I hear his laugh, the laugh that would brighten any day of mine that sucked, that those feelings will burn as strong as they did the day I realized I really was in love with him no matter how much I tried to fight the feeling, believing I wasn't ready, I was to young.

Justin Green came up to me and was talking to me during 5th and he goes -> Trey told me to tell you, or Trey told me, he doesn't care that your going to Prom with Jason, but then again he does, and he is kinda pissed off. <- well hey. I've been with ONE guy since we broke up, he had 3 to 4 girls over the WEEKEND alone. So. Whatever. He cant be mad at me... but... i guess I can understand why. I'm irritated he's been with that many girls already, but I'm making myself blind to the whole thing, acting as if I could care less... it does hurt.. i've just learned how to surpress that hurt. Which isn't a good thing.

And I'm fucking TIRED of everything I say making Trey out to be the Bad Guy. I'm tired of everyone saying - God he sounds like an Asshole. - He's such a jerk - I seem to only write in here when I'm having a bad time, thus It was always negative. I never wrote about the good times me and Trey had... so I'm going to. Right Now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we first started going out - (we've dated twice) - me him Joni and Ashley snuck to the beach, in the middle of WINTER lol at like 12 in the morning. It was awesome. It was so Fricken COLD lmao. And he told me he fell asleep on the way home on his bike and messed up his foot. Aw. I felt bad - and then at his birthday party, lol, we did this 'Newly Weds' thing in a Magazine that his mom had, omg, we did terrible. Haha. I said he wanted a Truck as a car and he wanted a VW Bus. We went on and on about that for awhile.

Then the second time we started going out, well, the beginning, I told him about how this one guy turned me down really mean and he was like - God, I'd never do that - and I had no idea he liked me. And I dunno... after I got baptized I went straight to him and he just hugged me. I felt so loved ya know.

And when I went to his house (Hundreds of times) we'd always argue lol. About eating and how we were gunna get Fat. And we'd wrestle and drag each other across the floor (Alright. HE did the dragging haha) and We would shoot his BB Gun. it was awesome.

I remember I'd be late just so I could see him walking down the hallway or say Hey. haha. Great. Even when I'd hate his friends, I'd still hang out with them all.

I remember when I first got drunk around him and he found out and was really angry ya know. He was semi yelling on the phone. I started crying when he hung up cause I didn't want him to be mad at me, I'd never cried over a guy but once before that. But I knew it was just because he really cared for me. He told me he just got scared, he didn't want anything to happen to me..

And whenever he'd hold me... I felt like nothing in the world could touch me. I felt safe, I felt truely loved and protected... He'd always be laughing and smileing. God I loved his laugh and his smile. How the sides of his eyes wrinkle up when he grins real big. And how he has that kinda 'Oh yeah I'm cool' grin where his eyes get little. Lmao. And his laugh, thats just great on its own.

And when were outside and I had told him my great great grandmother was a Cherokee indian princess, and he was like, Here, I'll make you look even more like an indian, and threw leaves ALL in my hair haha.

And I had this, and still do, thing for GUmmies. Anything Gummie. Fruit snacks, whatever haha. He'd get boxes of them and hide them as soon as I got to his house lmao. We'd always fight over the fruit snacks cause I'd leave little rappers all in his room. Haha. It was my sign that I left saying I was there. Hehe.

And I remember once I was on my backpourch talking to him on the phone. He was at Main Beach cause he'd run up there and it was like 8 or 9 and we were looking at the moon together through the phone. Pointing out stars, Orions Belt, planes that we saw and tried to see if the other saw it too. Haha.

And whenever Caleb had his Convertable I'd always be looking up at the Stars, and he'd look at them with me. I love Stars, yup.

Once on Halloween, I got really mad cause I wante dto hang out with him but he was gone the entire time with brady and them smashing pumpkins cause Brady wouldn't bring him back. So he called me and talked, I was realllly mad, and it was like 9 or 10, and I went "If you really love me you'll get down here and say sorry." and hung up. 20 minutes later, him and Billy showed up and he told me he was sorry. That was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me.

And how he left me Valentines day flowers on my back pourch on Monday, two days LATER lol. Cause he was to drunk friday to go get them. lmao. It was still great... and he got me Roses too.. after we broke up though. Beautiful Red Roses...

He always told me I was Beautiful, made me feel good about myself no matter what... I just wasn't used to, and I never really saw it, but he always made sure to let me know how much he cared for me... and I basically shoved it in his face. God I'm such a bitch. He always told me how much he loved me, how he'd always be there for me... and he was... no matter what... Damnit. I gotta go get ready for Christian Surfers, and I'm starting to make myself cry. fuck. later.

I didn't put as much as I wish I could have, all these memories are jumbled up into a ball that I cherish close to my heart, to many to sort through, those are the few that I picked out.

[[ SarahAnne ]]


"There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
---Louis L'Amour

"Once I dropped a tear in the ocean. When I find it is when I'll stop loving you."
---Unknown

"I wish I could walk away and forget about what we had, but I can't, because I know you wont come after me, and that hurts the most.."
---Unknown

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend."

"Loving him wasn't the problem, geting to close was.."

Alright. Since i'm sober now and my last post was the stupidest thing I've ever read lol. I'll explain everything better now.

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Ok. Yesterday I had to clean the entire house before I left for the concert, so, I basically spent two or three hours cleaning. fun. Then my buddy Sarah B. called me and saved me lol. She came as well as Katie B. and we went to the beach. God it was awesome. I miss my beach. And now I'm semi tan. haha. Anyway. I had to be home at 2 so we only got to spend two hours there, when I got home I had to semi get ready before I got my mother to drive me to Summer's house. I was supposed to go to my friend Ethan's ballgame, which I feel bad because I didn't because we had to leave at 5 and it started at 430 so I had no time to go watch... i hope he did good. Anyway. Everything went good and we left...

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

So. We get going and its all good.We sorta get lost so we pull off at chik fa la to eat before turning around and going the right way. Everything there was fine too. I wouldn't let Jason pay for me lol because I dont like people having to do that so I just bought me some chicken tenders. Well. That was fine, but pulling out Jason's mother called him and he was trying to put the phone back in his pocket, looked up and rear-ended some guy. He went to hit the break before and missed it. I felt so bad. I didn't care what my parents would say, he looked like he was gunna cry. A Po (Cop) was right there and pulled up and told Jason to follow the guy into the mall parking lot. For like 20 something minutes we were there, I felt terrible. The cop got everyones name in the car and phone numbers (except mine for some reason) and addresses. Stuff happened, they told Jason he could take some drivers class cause it was his first accident/ticket. They gave him a ticket for following to closely, not rearending, so.. yeah. It was only 81 dollars. His car was messed up though. The bumber was jammed in and down, the left head light was cracked - still worked though - the hood was dented in the front. It was a nice car though... I hope it isn't messed up. He said we he got home it started leaking so.. who knows.

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight 

We finally got to the concert. Erik was being such a jerk to Summer. I think they fixed it all.. but I dunno. Its so confuseing. I had my own problems. The concert was great. Maroon 5 was actually better then me and Jason expected, they opened for john mayer, and John Mayer himself was excellent. That dudes one sexy guy, and he's a great guitarest too, and his voice sounds soooo good. But, anyway. Jason put his arm around me and thats how the entire concert basically was... holding hands and him with his arm around me... and he kissed me twice. Not like making out kissing like I stated before. Just, kissing. He kisses kinda funny but Erik says thats probably because he hasn't really kissed anyone a lot or for a long time for that mater.. so.. yeah.

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

We dropped Summer off, and they took me home. Jason walked me to my front pourch and gave me a kiss there... then he asked what we were doing. If we were going out or not. I told him my all time famous quote. I dont know... but I told him I'd find out. Ha. Somehow. -- Before this, in the parking lot of the concert, Trey had IMed Summer's phone saying 'When someone trys not to hurt someone, or doesn't want to, they normally always do' or something along those lines... that entire concert when I was with Jason I was thinking about Trey. That 'Your Body is a Wonderland' song made me want to start crying. But Erik said he knew about that song and how it was the first song Trey ever sang to me, and he said he was watching me and that I held myself really good and if he hadn't know about it he wouldn't think anything was wrong... god... then I saw someone with a fro (Or really curly hair kinda) and I actually thought it was him... so.. on my pourch and the ride home while I had to get Jason awake lol .. i was just.. so confused...

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight 

I got inside and damnit I needed a drink. The night was good kinda but it sucked at the same time. It was 12:54 and I knew Trey was sleeping... but he always told me, he would insist I call him no matter what time if I ever needed anything. So I did. I needed to talk to him, because I didn't want to drink, he answered it. God it sounded so good hearing his voice... then he just told me he was gunna go back to bed and he'd call me tomorrow.. I just hung up, and started bawling. I was glad we actually had nothing to drink so I went to get something to eat and a tissue and on the counter was a big bottle of Bacardi. So I grabed it and made me a drink. I finished three drinks last night with the bottom of the glass somewhat full of Bacardi. I was talking to Erik online and he got me to call him cause obviously I couldn't type. So I talked to him. He made everything seem okay, like they'd work out... i hope they do. I was talking to Summer online too and she was telling me how alcohol wouldn't solve anything and I need to stop. I was trying to quit before this but last night just seemed pointless about everything. The guy who was always supposed to be there for me, once more last night, left me on my own. And yet I still love him with all my heart... I dont really remember going to bed. But I did... i woke up sleeping upside down lol... but.. yeah...

And to top it all off. I'm loosing my voice and my throat hurts like a bitch.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

I often want to cry.  That is the only advantage women have over men - at least they can cry.  ~Jean Rhys

Alrighty... i'm drunk. fuck. lol. I was tryin to stop but I dunno... everything is so messed up. I'll start from the beginning of today. Okie. Or.. part of last. shit. I'll start fro tday.

Okay. Going to the John Mayer concert was alright. we went to chik-fa-la or whatever. then pulling out, Jason rear-ended some guy. I felt so bad. He kept saying sorry and.. i just hugged him and told him it was alright. so. after a long time of just talking to the cops na dstuff everything was cool so we went to the John Mayer concert.

I dunno. we kissed three times tonight. not like make out jut like.. kiss. Summer adn Erik were kinda.. eh.. long story. not in the right mind to explain.

Trey imed summer saying 'When people try not to hurt someone, they end up doing it' or omsething like that and stuff. So.. that sucked.

so I knew when I got home I was gunna drink.. so I called Trey cayse he always told me to call him when  i need something and he was just like.. 'i'm goin back to bed' and stuff. so.. whatever. I went in the kitchen and grabed the bacardi bottle. done with drink 2. har.

anyway.. i talke dto jason, but I didn't tell him I was drinking... and I talke dto Erik and he helped me some.. and SummerGail too... my back really hurts... i think I'm gunna go to bed.. night.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

 

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I figured since I'm going to the John Mayer concert tonight I might as well stick some John Mayer lyrics in here haha. I'm stupid, ignore me. Anyway.. hm.. lets see. Yesterday was indeed truely awkward. At least part of it. I went to Trey's house after school because he asked me to - and OMG I got to DRIVE! lol. My mom actually let me drive to his house and I dont even have my learners yet haha. But it was awesome, and I CAN drive which is cool. Yes'sir'e'bob. hehe. - Anyway. I got to Trey's house and we were cool for awhile, just talking and stuff and I made him smile - I love it when he smiles. - and me him and Erik just kinda chilled and stuff. Then i dunno... he just got really weird and /distant/ or something, so Jason had called Erik's cell and Erik called him back and Jason ended up coming over... woo...

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

Dude.. it was so... awkward lol. I mean. Trey and Jason in the same room. I could just see the vibes shooting left and right. It felt like a war zone even if everyone was chilled and cool an stuff. But.. yeah... Trey got even more distant sorta but I was still talking to him and trying to be cool with him and Erik told me that he felt awkward around me so.. yeah... I talked to Jason and he took me and Erik and we left. Trey was going to Mandy's house (this senior/junior, she's really cool) at 830 anyway to hang out and it was 8 so.. yeah. So. I said bye and we left. We ended up going down town and listening to a couple of Kids from our High School playing in their band at this restaurant, Erik kinda wandered away down town an stuff..

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

After that we went back to the Plantation (Where Erik and Jason live) and chilled there. Erik has the COOLEST dog and cat lol. The dogs a sheltie and its just like one huge poof ball haha., and the cats name is Jo Jo and he was so cool, very loveable. One of those cats you could snuggle with for hours on end lol. And very purdy too. Anyway. We were all chilling out in his study, Jason play'd guitar for awhile, then I lay'd on him cause I was tired and Erik starts flipping out about haveing a pillow between us. It was hilarious. He was saying how we needed a barrier and he kept spinning around in his chair to look at us. It was the funniest thing I'd seen in awhile. Then we went to the beach by the Plantation and Erik left me and Jason alone. Nothing happened though lol honestly. It was SO beautiful. The sky was sorta cloudy but it was a Full Moon and the stars were out, it was truely a great scene. So I was doing carwheels and I just sat down and made him sit down with me in the sand and we looked at the stars and.. it was awesome. THEN My mom called - parents thought I was at this Girl Natalie's party which was like 5 minutes from my house, when really I was like 20 minutes away lol - and told me I had to be home in  5 minutes. SO. We had to run to the car, lol, but it was all good.

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

As for Natalie's party. We went before we went to Erik's house and everyone was drunk, I had a sip of my friends drink but thats about it. It was pretty boreing and bound to get caught so we left. I got online last night and talked to my friend today. Apparently the cops showed up and a few of my friends got arrested for underage drinking. Heh. Sucks to be them.

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)

- John Mayor

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And we laugh till we cry
Always so hard to say goodbye (good bye)
And we all sit round here in our home town 
It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss
The memories, I hope they'll never fad
Glowing embers lie across the sky

I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you

- Lostprophets

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Today they asked me, "what do you always seem to find?"
But though I could not answer I'd have lost my way
And I could tell that this ain't right
The morning sunrise seemed to ask me why I tried
To find the strength in people who had never thought about a different way of life
It just doesn't seem that easy

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to be
I don't know how to change from being me
I don't know what to say
Maybe another day
I'll stop getting lost and find my way, home
All I know is gone...

- Lostprophets

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright. With the first song, well I'm going this weekend with SummerGail, Erik and Jason to see John Mayor in concert. Yay for that. Only problem, is that 'Your Body is a Wonderland' was the first song Trey ever sang to me... and everytime I hear it I want to start crying and all I think of is him, and see, this wouldn't be a problem, if the dude at the concert just didn't SING that ONE song but I know he will, but i'm going to this concert with Jason an everything and he told me earlier that he did want to go out with me but he was more concerned for my well being and respected my decision - I told him I liked him but i didn't want a boyfriend right now because I still really like Trey and it wouldn't be fair to Jason cause I'd be thinking about Trey all the time and it wouldn't be fair to Trey because we just broke up and.. I dunno... i'm not ready to just jump into another relationship. Gigi says I should just 'casual' date and yeah that sounds like a good idea but... i dunno. Everytime Jason hugs me or I talk to him I feel like I'm cheating on Trey when we aren't even going out anymore...</font>

I just.. i dunno. Some people are telling me to forget Trey, what's done is done, and just hook up with Jason. Be a free spirit or whatever. But then others are like, oh yeah, you and Trey will hook up. I give it two days..

They have no idea.

I just.. I'll see Trey in the hallways and I just want to go up to him and just wrap my arms around him and hug him so much. Just hug him for all its worth. I dont know what to do when I see him sad.. or with some other girl.. i just... I just sometimes want to go up to him and kiss him and beg him to take me back and tell him I'm sorry for ever putting him through all of what I have. But i'm so afraid that If I do and we do infact get back together that I'll turn around and do exactly what I have now once more and I dont want to. Song two.

He told me, 'You know how you said you didn't want to hurt me? This is hurting the most.' This is where song three comes in. I just.. I don't know what to do anymore. The only solution I could make was to break up with him and I was so sure time apart would fix everything. But to me it's terrible, and I know it is for him as well.

He told me he's quit drinking and I couldn't be more happy for him.

Hopefully after this weekend things will get more clearer an stuff... if not.. I dunno. I still wana see if he might wana come along with my and my family to Myrtal Beach for a weekend during spring break ya know. Anyway.. we'll see. If not, I'll force SummerGail to go lol.

FCATs are over. One good thing of some many that has happened. I think I did pretty good haha. But. We'll see. Anyway, I gotta go clean the kitchen. Later.

 

Anyone ever notice that all I do in this thing is bitch about everything? I really do.. anyway... i broke up with Trey yesterday.. and I was fine yesterday because i guess me and Jason are talking kinda.. dunno.. but I still don't wana ruin anything him and Chelsea (the girl he's liked for awhile) might have an stuff... and... I dunno. Now that I'm single, I'm hearing about all these guys that like me and stuff and SummerGail's like.. well you have been taken for almost 5 months... today woulda been me and Trey going out for five months... but yeah.. i guess that's cool an all because everyones telling me I'm to young to be 'tied' down an shit, and I really don't want a boyfriend anytime soon, just really good guy friends, or friends with benefits or whatever lol. And Stuart was telling me how he didn't think it was possible for someone to say 'My boyfriends an asshole''he wasn't there for me''ect.' and still like the guy. Yeah, its true, Trey can be an asshole, everyone can, i sure as hell know i can, he wasn't there for me Saturday, and that cut a scar that will always be there.. but... it doesn't erase the feelings i have for him no matter how much I think it did.

I think the main reason I broke up with him yesterday, was because I was tired of hurting him. Trey had a good life until we dated, then I had to make everything stressful. It hurt seeing him worry about me, it hurt seeing him mad at me, and it hurt seeing me hurt him.. I worry about him so much it's incredible.. a few people are like 'I think Jason would treat you better' and yeah, Jason's a really great guy, and a few people have also said 'You still like Trey after the way he treated you??' I dont really know what they mean, I never saw anything bad in the way Trey treated me. He always made me feel special in his own way ya know.. its how I treated him that I'm terribly sorry for..

I gave him this glass ring that I got at this restaurant near Jacksonville.. i think. Anyway. I gave it to him to wear on a necklace when he went to Texas - I remember how much I missed him when he left.. even if it was just two or three days, i begged my parents to let me go to the airport with his mom and pick him up - anyway. He had put it in his wallet cause the necklace I gave him broke, and its glass so he sat on it and it snapped one end completely off. He had glued it back together I dunno how many times... then today. He referred to our relationship like that ring.. it's been broken, put back together, broken and put back together again, this time, he doesn't know if it can be fixed. I was thinking... even if it was fixed. The cracks would always be there... I wanted to cry during my FCATs because I missed him so much. Summer told me that it happens everytime people break up, you miss them. I know how it goes... but i know this missing will never go away..

He started drinking right infront of me yesterday.  I wanted to walk up to him and just grab the bottle and throw it away. I'm done with drinking, i had to learn the hard way, and I used to look up to Trey so much because he didn't do that as much as he does now. I'm really worried about him... If anything ever happened to him I don't know what'd I'd do.. he's been drinking so much lately - I feel it's partly my fault - and.. i don't know...

This morning, i went to talk to him, and he gave me this look. It made me want to break down and start bawling. It wasn't the Trey i knew who looked at me.. it was someone else. Someone I wanted to go away. I wanted my old Trey back... but now. Everything seems so different. My main goal when I first told him I would go back out with him in October was that I wouldn't hurt him like I hurt Beni. And.. i did... at least I think I did..

Trey always has been there for me... no matter what I think. In his own way... just because he isn't Mr. Perfect, Knight in Shining Armour.. he was always my knight.. I know by saying all this I'm making myself feel even more like a bitch... i don't know what to do anymore.. everyone's telling me to get over him, I made the right decision, and I may have but it doesn't mean I dont regret it for all I'm worth. It took every ounce of bitch I had to look him in the face and say 'I think we should just be friends'. Thinking, believing, that it was the right thing to do... i felt like I was taking a glass doll, holding it in the air, and slowly watching it fall and smash across the ground. Even though I did that, Trey was, will always be, and is everything in this world to me... he'll always hold one large part of my heart, and I just hope if I do date someone else in the future that they can understand that. What I feel for him will never go away. And I'm not sure I'm ready to try and make it.. i made a first big step, one that to me felt like an earthquake was shaking everything I knew was real to ablievein... but... even after the original earthquake.. and the aftershock... most things repair themselves with time... at least thats what i'm praying..

[[ SarahAnne ]]

Okie dokie. Me and Summer went to Beni's party, that was rather interesting to say the least. I was having a bad week to begin with and I had to top it off with getting waisted at my friends b-day party. I was perfectly fine to begin with until Trey came and I tried to talk to him and he completely blew me off - which wasn't the first time he'd done that that day - so i sat down on this wall and just totally freaked out. They told me I cried for three hours, but everything went by it little scenes and patches to me. All's I remember is them crowding around me and everything and then Trey's friend Jason, who me and him are starting to become good friends, he took me to a picnic bench and sat with me and then Simon my friend showed up and he held me for a little while, and then Mark - the guy in the picture beside my name ;) - , he was with me and was comforting me and stuff before a lot more people showed and crowded around me.

So Jason took me to his car to get me away from everyone, and then Beni. BENI. My ex-boyfriend who hated me for ever, who actually invited me to his own party, actually got in the car with us and sat in the backseat with me and was comforting me and everything. And Ethan came too, one of my other Ex's haha. But he held my hand and Jason took us to get me some water and stuff.

When we came back Beni had to go back to his party because he left his own party and Ethan went out and skated, so Jason sat with me in the backseat for awhile and I put my head in his lap. Then Erik another one of Trey's/Jason's friends and mine came and sat with us in the car and they talked - Jason translated what I said for Erik lol I had a speaking problem about then ;) - and stuff. So. We were there for 30mins/an Hour.. i think lol but it felt like forever. But then I had to go Pee. LoL.

So they helped me go to the bathroom - Just the place, not actually to pee lol - anyway. I got out and Jason and Erik were gone so I went around the side of the building and Mark and Jason and a few other people - can't really remember who - were there and I went straight to Mark and he held me. ANd then my knees got all weak and I kinda collapssed and Mark caught me and was trying to get Jason to help. So Jason picked me up and held me and then took me to sit down and get something to eat. And Trey's other friend Brandon, and my brothers friend too, was comforting me and talking to me and telling me I just needed to sleep.

So THEN I got up and just started walking randomly to the Beach and Jason came and helped me walk down to the beach fire thing they had. Holy Crap, Simon wrestled Beni's dad lmao it was hilarious! - This REAL big football kid wrestling this this scrawny drunk red neck - and I had to find Summer cause I kept thinking we had to be home at 10 and stuff. So then Jason finally picked me up and we watched Simon and Beni's dad wrestle for abit, I kissed jason, just kinda on the cheek I think, and then he took me to his car and Erik came and then Summer showed up and we all got in the car, then Beni came to say goodbye and he told me he'd call me tomorrow    and then I fell asleep somewhat in Erik's lap in the back seat.

We finally got home around 10:07, my parents were staying in Jacksonville but my Sis was still home. And then Summer and Erik were talking so Jason took me up to the front steps and held me there while we waited for SummerGail and I kissed him again lol. On the cheek I think, dunno. But then we got inside and I went straight to bed but SummerGail had to get me back up so I could change into my P.J.'s THEN we talked some and went to sleep.

Then I woke up and we were both awake an stuff.. but yeah... Where was Trey? He told me he'd always be there but where the hell was he when I needed him?? Standing off to the side watching before he left thats where. And all I kept saying was - I need to find Trey. I need to talk to him. Where is he? I wish he was here - but the people Trey was always scared of me loving more where the people who were there for me. Mark, Simon, Jason, Stuart, BENI, everyone. All my guy friends and all my girl friends. And Trey didn't even care, he wasn't there to care.

I feel bad for doing that to everyone.. but... yeah. Jason was a sweetheart though, he told me he'd take care of me, and he was there the whole time, he wouldn't leave even when I told him to go eat lol. More then Trey can say, do and mean..

[[ Sarah Anne ]]

Hahah. When you cant say Fuck and you cant say Crap all ya gotta do is say FURAP! haha. Me and Summer's awesome word. Or at least one of them. ANYWAY. We have to go to Beni's party today, dude its gunna be so cool. Like... really cool. As in. Cold. Lol. But naw, it'll be awesome. BUT I'm hungrey so I'll write more lata. BYE!

[[ Sarah Anne and Summer Gail ]]

Ok. Lets see. Everything was fine and dandy the last few days, sorry I haven't posted nuttin. Summer had problems with Bobby but I was there for her and I think she's cool now.. dunno though. OMG. Her mother is actually letting her stay this weekend, dude thats so spiffy. She's like supposed to be banned from my house haha. This is awesome. ALso. Beni's having a party this weekend and I'm actually going. Yay for making up.

As for everything else. I want to light it on fire and watch it burn.

Me and Trey were okay until I had to fucking screw everything up. So now. We're 'taking a break'. Technically not seeing each other until /I/ figure everything out. I dont know what I need to figure out but I've basically summed it down to these things righ' her' :

I need to learn how to express my feelings and stop being 'emotionless'.
I need to learn how to trust people...
I need to stop putting up that defence mode I have everytime something bad happens.
I need to not be afraid of being hurt..
I need to be a better girlfriend
I need to grow up
I can't be afraid of everything
I need to actually act like i have feelings

I dunno... i dont know what to do. I know that if me and him get back together or whatever its still going to be awkward and everythings gunna be messed up and I know that I'll end up screwing everything up again and this will all happen over again and I dont want that to happen.. but then i dont wana break up with him either...

I think I'm finally going to buckle down and actually learn to play the guitar.. i've been slacking on my practices...

Also, I have a theory that the whole world is fucked up. Everyone's relationships around me are crumbling, namely my own, technology is failing us, and its below 47 in Florida. End of theory.

I haven't been RPing much at all either.. Kind of... but everythings just been so... eh. And all my poses suck lately anyway. Like i'm a newbie all over again..

Okay. Well. FIrst off, I have scoliosis.. so I have to go get X-rays an shit and see what can be done about it. Second, my family and Trey's family obviously dont trust us alone together which i have no fucking idea why. We haven't even DONE anything other then Kiss. Yeah yeah, parent responsability, bullshit. It still pisses me off. Third. My mother is making me get rid of my cat Luna. Her and my dad .. dad mostly, already gave me first cat away BEHIND MY BACK. And NOW its Luna. God, I always thought I'd be taking that cat with me to colledge. ;_; she was always there for me when no one else was. Mothers reason? She's tired of taking care of the cats. CATS. CATS is PLURAL damn it. But oh no, is she getting rid of her perfect kitty Emmy that I found in the backyard??? NO. She's making me get rid of MY cat. The cat /I/ went to the pound to SAVE. .. so.. yeah. ANd there ain't no way in hell she's going to the pound. So I'm trying to find one of my good friends to take her who already has kitties and who I luv dearly. We'll see :( :\

Ugyo.. drec syo muug naymmo faent lyica E's fnedehk eh y hudran myhkiyka. Cbalevelymmo y Jetau Kysa myhkiyka lymmat Al Bhed, pid rao, fru lynac. Edc uvveleym du cyo E's upcaccat fedr VVQ yht VVQ-2 ( Vehym Vyhdaco 10, Vehymo Vyhdaco 10-2 ) KAAW E MUJA Gippal. Dryd titac y caqo cuh uv y pedlr har? ;) Yht Tidus. Ra'c rud du ryry. Yhofyo.. UVV uv so VVQ/2 pmyppanehkc - dutyo ryc paah case ugyo E kiacc. E fuga ib yd 12... teth'd ku du pat damm 1 mycd hekrd. Tia du hu cmaab E's muugeh bnaddo nuikr. Yht E's hud dymgeh zicd mycd hekrd. E ryjah'd kud yho cmaab eh dra bycd vaf tyoc. E teth'd kad du dymg du Dnao oacdantyo aedran yht ra ech'd rusa dutyo.. knn.. oayr E ghuf. e luimt zicd lymm rec lamm pid franac dra vih eh dryd mum. Ymnekrdo. E's kihhy ku huf. Mydan ymm!

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:Translation:

Okay.. this may look really weird cause I'm writing in a nother language. Specifically a Video Game language called Al Bhed, but hey, who cares. Its official to say I'm obsessed with FFX and FFX-2 ( Final Fantesy 10, Finaly Fantesy 10-2 ) GEEZ I LOVE Gippal. That dudes a sexy son of a bitch neh? ;) And Tidus. He's hot to haha. Anyway.. OFF of my FFX/2 blabberings - today has been semi okay I guess. I woke up at 12... didn't go to bed tell 1 last night. Due to no sleep I'm lookin pretty rough. And I'm not talkin just last night. I haven't got any sleep in the past few days. I didn't get to talk to Trey yesterday either and he isn't home today.. grr.. yeah I know. i could just call his cell but wheres the fun in that lol. Alrighty. I'm gunna go now. Later all!

School sucks.Im in 2nd period and its really interesting. This class is retarded I swear. Anyway.. this is pointless because I gotta go in like.. 11 minutes. So.. uh.. Later!